Grief turned to purpose: Local man's mission to support grieving families

A Melbourne man's grief over the loss of his unborn son has transformed into a mission to support other grieving families. Nick Olney had promised his son, Harry, that he would show him the world, but Harry never came home from hospital, dying less than two days after his birth in 2020.

Nick eventually made a journey to the northernmost point of mainland Australia, carrying a small imprint of Harry's tiny feet. The keepsake was made after Harry's death, a tangible memory of a life that was cut short. Six babies are stillborn and a further two die within 28 days of birth on average per day in Australia, according to the Australian Institute of Health and Welfare.

"It was trauma," Nick said. "When we lost Harry, my wife almost died. For the majority of the 45 hours that Harry was alive, she was in a medically induced coma."

Nick called a friend, who delivered a baby imprint kit to the hospital. A nurse helped preserve Harry's hand and footprints. When the couple lost their second son, PJ, 18 weeks into pregnancy in 2022, Nick knew he needed help. He spent six months trying, and failing, to find a psychologist.

"Nobody wanted to talk to a dad who'd lost kids," he said.

That experience led Nick to begin talking with other grieving fathers, informally at first. But the conversations continued as Nick and Olga founded their charity No Harry to Hold in 2023. Nick said some of the fathers reaching out had lost babies years earlier but felt unable to tell anyone.

Dedicated bereavement care exists across Australia, but access and awareness varies. In North Queensland, Townsville University Hospital is home to the region's only level six tertiary-referral centre for newborns outside south-east Queensland. It treats more than 800 premature and unwell babies each year, serving families from Mackay to Cape York and west to Mount Isa.

Kirsty Swain is the only perinatal loss coordinator in Queensland outside the south-east corner. Since 2023, she has helped families grappling with the loss of a baby. She knows the value of tangible memories and how often fathers ask for little or nothing for themselves.

"Men often concentrate on supporting their partners," she said. "They don't want to make it about them, but it is about them. It's them as a family."

A survey of more than 100 Australian maternity services found only one-quarter had a designated bereavement midwife, most based in major cities. Almost 90 per cent had formal follow-up plans for mothers after the death of a baby, while fathers were largely absent from the findings, appearing only within broader references to "parents" in other measures of care.

Federal and state governments have increased their focus on perinatal bereavement in recent years, through specialist coordinator roles, updated clinical guidance and specific funding for grief, loss and memory-making support. But dedicated bereavement positions remain limited in regional Australia, with recruitment, funding and broader system pressures slowing their rollout.

No Harry to Hold now donates imprint kits to neonatal intensive care units, so grieving parents can preserve something of their baby, that they can hold. Nick's goal of having the kits at every one of the country's 23 NICUs, including in Townsville, led to his detour to the country's most northern point.

"I hate the fact that [the kits] will be used. But they will be," he said.

Nick's final delivery will be to Melbourne's Monash Children's Hospital, where his son Harry was born. Keepsakes including hand and footprints are recognised in national clinical guidelines following stillbirth and neonatal death. For Kirsty, they can give grieving parents something physical to take home, a reminder their baby "existed and mattered".

"You're still a dad no matter what," she said.

For Nick, the tiny imprint he carried to Cape York helped remind him of that fact. "To do it on your own, and then do it with my boy, or my memory of him, with me … I can't think of anything that I've done that I'm more proud of."